Flash Movie Review: Mortdecai

Sadly I have seen a person go into shock due to an automobile accident. It looked as if they had been powered by batteries that were quickly losing power as their physical movements were grinding to a halt. There was a numbness that came over them as they became unaware of their surroundings. Gratefully the shock I am referring to today is the kind where you cannot believe what your eyes have just seen. I was rummaging through my memory, looking for a time where I had that reaction of disbelief and what came to mind was the first time I visited Las Vegas, Nevada. One of the shows I saw there was a pseudo circus type of troupe but without the animals. I sat there in disbelief as I watched these human beings performing non-human things; it was a night filled with fanciful magic that continues to stay with me to this day. Since I started posting my movie reviews I cannot recall having such a reaction of shock like I had to this film. I think the best way I could describe it would be to say I was dumbfounded and had a difficult time processing what I was witnessing on the big screen before me.    JOHNNY Depp (The Long Ranger, Transcendence) played well known art dealer Mortdecai. When a famous painting was stolen, Mortdecai was brought in by England’s secret service to assist them in retrieving the artwork before it fell into the hands of a hostile group. There was something special about this painting. I literally sat in astonishment as I watched this action comedy. This movie was so bad and I do not mean that in a good way. Someone needs to tell Johnny it is enough already; this is not acting anymore. He just talks with an accent and mimics to the camera; it is utterly tiresome. I would love to know what Gwyneth Paltrow (Iron Man franchise, Running with Scissors) as Johanna, Ewan McGregor (Big Fish, The Impossible) as Martland and Paul Bettany (Legion, A Beautiful Mind) as Jock were thinking by agreeing to be in this movie. The story, the script and the acting were all awful. I think I am still shellshocked because I can barely type out my thoughts on this review. It seemed as if the producers were trying to create a mashup of Austin Powers and Inspector Jacques Clouseau, with the hope of creating a new franchise. I hope it does not happen because this movie was like an unfinished painting that did not dry and all the colors ran together to form brown. As a side note, the 8 pm Saturday night showing of this film, in an approximately 300 seat theater, had 22 people in attendance, including me.

 

1 1/3 stars

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About moviejoltz

From a long line of movie afficionados, one brother was the #1 renter of movies in the country with Blockbuster, I am following in the same traditions that came before me. To balance out the long hours seated in dark movie theaters, I also teach yoga and cycling. For the past 3 years, I have correctly picked the major Oscar winners... so join me as we explore the wonder of movies and search for that perfect 4 star movie.

Posted on January 28, 2015, in Comedy and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 20 Comments.

  1. I was once told that any movie coming to theaters in the US between New Years and Memorial day or Labor day and Thanksgiving is a real dog. When I saw that it was coming out in February, that said it all to me.

    But I did enjoy your review. 🙂

    • lol, I have never heard that before. I always assume the Oscar season was officially closed on 12/31 so January and February were all the cheaply made films. Unfortunately I have to sit through and review them. Thanks for your comments.

  2. Yikes! This movie definitely has a stench. I agree with you about Depp. He needs to quit the pantomime tomfoolery.

  3. I can’t believe you sat through it. The trailers are terrible, so the movie must be even worse. That’s for shocking yourself for us.

  4. I meant: Thanks for shocking yourself for us.

  5. You took one for the team here!! ha!

  6. In England, years ago Edward Fox (‘The Day of The Jackal’) played King Edward VIIIth in a TV series called Edward and Mrs Simpson .. it was a huge success. So successful that thereafter Mr Fox continued to play the King everytime he stepped in front of a camera – he became a ridiculous caracature and the once great actor just evaporated. I rather fear that our Johnny has gone the same way since he played the Pirate. Another tragic waste of a talent.

    • You are so right; just slap some makeup on Johnny and let him talk in a funny accent, prancing around and pickup your paycheck at the end of filming. It is so sad. Thanks for the comments.

  7. So it’s a pretty safe bet to say this one won’t be on your Best of 2015 list? 😉

  8. Those were the two exact references that sprung to mind just now after watching the trailer. That face he pulls at the end is so childish and ignorant at a simple offer of help, I wanted to slap him.

  9. Yes! Thanks for taking one for the team! Your experience reminds me of sitting through the movie Gerry, made in 2002. It was the most excruciating experience ever. Yes, beautiful scenery in it, but the constant “crunch crunch crunch” on the gravel and seemingly never-ending periods of walking with absolutely no dialogue drove me nuts. I kept expecting “something to happen” in the movie, but it never did. Now when I go on a hike with someone and we are silent for a bit and can only hear our footsteps, it always brings that dang movie back to memory!

  10. 😦 but it has my 2 fav actors in it 😦 say it isn’t so

  11. What a shame… I really love Johnny Depp but it seems as if he’s deliberately trying to make a joke out of himself! I completely agree with you and am a tad disappointed cause I wanted to see this film. Oh, well… you saved me the time and money. Great post!

    • You are right, Johnny is just becoming a joke and I find it cheap and lazy. I’m glad I could save you some money on this real stinker. Thanks for stopping by to leave your comments.

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