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Flash Movie Review: Texas Chainsaw 3D

If Mr. Oscar Mayer and Miss Blackendecker got married and had a child it would be the chainsaw yielding Leatherface, in this bloody movie. After he was done carving up his prey there was enough human flesh that could serve up several courses of steak tartare to a tribe of cannibals. If I did not know better I would have thought this fright flick was a satire of horror movies. There were several scenes where I was chuckling to myself. The movie was so cliched that I could have worn an eye mask and still be able to tell you what each character was about to do. Let us go over our checklist of characters: one buxom female, check; one wild girlfriend, check; one African American, check; one hard chiseled body male, check; and one helpful person who may not be so helpful. The actors must have failed their auditions for the movie The Collection and wound up here. Alexandra Daddario (Hall Pass, Bereavement) played Heather Miller, the sole heir to her late grandmother’s estate in Texas. Joined by her close friends, Heather traveled to her grandmother’s home town; where she would get surprised by what was left for her. That did not even include the extra unlisted asset in the house’s basement. For horror film aficionados, I do not think there was enough scariness in the movie. However, the film was an easy watch; nothing you had to think about or decipher. I do have a question: How did Scott Eastwood (Gran Torino, Trouble with the Curve) get the role of police officer Carl, since it was not his father Clint’s film? Now before you wonder if there was anything positive about the film; I am here to tell you there was not just one thing, there were three. First, the characters I found annoying had spectacular deaths. Secondly, the movie was filmed in Louisiana which helped that state’s economy. And thirdly, there was a surprise satisfying scene at the end of the credits. This movie does not require the use of safety goggles and ear plugs, unless you really want to wear them.

 

1 2/3 stars

 

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