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Flash Movie Review: Haunted Mansion
WHEN THE CARNIVAL OPENED IN SPRING, it gave us the opportunity to see a second haunted house in our neighborhood. The first one sat at the end of a block that had lightly colored painted houses. The color of this haunted house was dark brown with patches where it had peeled away from what looked like rotten wood. It was a scary looking place, even the windows looked dark. I do not recall ever seeing them open. There was dense foliage all around the perimeter of the place; so thick that I was sure a child could go missing in it. The front walk that led to several dilapidated steps was barely visible unless you used your arms to move the overhanging branches that were sturdy and gnarled. All the kids in the neighborhood would avoid this house at Halloween. No one, even if they were with a group of other trick-or-treaters, had the courage to make their way to the opposing door that looked like an animal’s mouth about to let out a growl. Even after living in the neighborhood for decades, I never saw anyone coming out or going into that dark, spooky house. MY IMAGINATION ABOUT WHAT COULD TAKE place in that house on the corner was fueled by what I experienced at different amusement parks’ haunted houses. The one from the carnival was a cheap version of what was in my mind, but I still thought of the various scare tactics and transposed them into a deadlier version. There was a man dressed up as an evil ogre who would jump out from a dark corner and scare all that entered his realm. He really was not that scary to me because I saw one of his costume’s big floppy ears had fallen off, revealing his human ear; it took the scare out of the costume. Through the house there were various mechanical objects dropping down from the ceiling or popping out of the walls. There was a mist like fog that slowly swirled about but the air circulation and venting were almost stagnant, so depending on where you were, it was hard to see stuff at times. I remember one room had paintings hanging on the walls. One of them was a portrait of a man with the eyes cut out so someone, who was standing behind it, could press their face against the canvas and have their eyes fill out the holes. However, it must have been irritating them because periodically you could see a finger pushing across to rub the eye. It was not a very scary haunted house, just like the one that was in this comedy, horror film. WHEN A MOTHER AND HER SON discover their new home is filled with ghouls and ghosts, she turns to some local folk to help her in the removal of them. However, they are not ready to leave. With LaKeith Stanfield (The Harder They Fall, Sorry to Bother You) as Ben Matthias, Rosario Dawson (Unstoppable, The Water Man) as Gabbie, Owen Wilson (Marry Me, Father Figures) as Father Kent, Tiffany Haddish (Like a Boss, Night School) as Harriet and Danny DeVito (Batman Returns, The War of the Roses) as Bruce David; this dramatic family movie, based on the amusement park ride, Haunted Mansion, needed help. The story was never scary enough to draw a gasp or yelp from the audience; at least not what one hears when doing the actual park ride. I did not find much to laugh about either. I did appreciate the cast’s efforts to levitate the story and make it exciting, but it never materialized. For those of you who have ridden the amusement park’s ride, you will sense a familiarity with the sets and characters. However, there was not enough here to make this a memorable experience. Better to save up your money for the actual ride; you will have a better time.
1 ¾ stars