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Flash Movie Review: Pain & Gain
The pairing of the words pain and gain is something I associate with working out. I have heard gym teachers tell their students, “work through the pain” or “you won’t get stronger if you don’t feel the pain.” To me these are not words of encouragement. The closest I come to saying something like that in my classes is to say, “it is ok to feel a muscle working.” I am afraid members could injure themselves if they think that feeling pain is the only way to know they are doing the exercises correctly. Thanks to this action film I now have a different association for the words pain and gain. I will always remember how painful it was for me to watch this film and how I wanted to gain back the time I lost. Based on a true story, director Michael Bay (Transformers franchise, Armageddon) filled this movie with an abundance of blood and violence. The actual story was so outrageous that I kept thinking that what I was seeing on the screen could not have really happened. And herein was one of the issues I had with Michael’s directing; there was so much time devoted to showing the violence I never got a real sense of the three main characters. Mark Wahlberg (The Fighter, Ted), Dwayne Johnson (Snitch, Get Smart) and Anthony Mackie (The Hurt Locker, Real Steel) played bodybuilders Daniel Lugo, Paul Doyle and Adrian Doorbal. Not wanting to spend the rest of his life as a personal trainer; Daniel Lugo hatched a plan to kidnap his wealthy client Victor Kershaw, played by Tony Shalhoub (Hemmingway & Gellhorn, Monk-TV), for his money. With Paul and Adrian on board; what was to have been a fast, easy job turned into a cluster blunder. The only good acting came from Tony Shalhoub and Ed Harris (The Rock, A History of Violence) as Ed DuBois. If Dwayne Johnson’s goal was to look like a moving mountain, he succeeded. Maybe with the story being so unbelievable, Dwayne wanted to look as non-human as possible. After some time I was bored with this film. Though I did not get pumped up by the story, I did get a sudden urge to go to the health club and work out.
1 3/4 stars
Flash Movie Review: It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World
Seated at long tables in front of the stage, I was close enough to see the comic’s eyes. He was not focused on the crowd as much as the imaginary friend standing next to him. Every time he spoke for his friend, his facial expression instantly altered, creating a new image to go with the voice. I remembered while sitting and watching this funny man, he reminded me of my favorite comedian, Jonathan Winters. The comic standing up on stage was Robin Williams. The time was towards the end of his television series Mork & Mindy. I had not seen anyone who could quickly ad lib like Jonathan until I saw Robin. From the articles written recently about Jonathan’s death, I read somewhere that Robin used Jonathan as his role model. It now all makes sense to me. Jonathan was truly gifted; I never saw someone take an everyday household item and turn it into so many different objects. Add to it his pliable face and changing voices; there would be a crowd of his made up characters all around him in a matter of minutes. This action comedy does not do Jonathan justice; however, it is still worth watching. Director Stanley Kramer (Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner, The Defiant Ones) assembled a cast of comedy royalty. To name a few there was Sid Caesar, Milton Berle, Buddy Hackett, Terry Thomas; besides Spencer Tracy (Judgement at Nuremberg, Inherit the Wind), Ethel Merman (Call Me Madam, Anything Goes) and Mickey Rooney (National Velvet, Andy Hardy franchise). When a dying driver in a car crash told the rescuers about a buried treasure, it set off a madcap race to see who could get to the loot first. Though the actors were confined to the script, I would love to have been on set to see how many times they had to repeat the scenes due to ad libs and cracking up from laughter. Bear in mind the humor was from a different time when comedians did not use foul language or shock value to get a reaction from the audience. I will say the movie went on too long; however, I did enjoy seeing so many people from a different era. Notice the celebrities who did cameo appearances. Jonathan was a genius as far as I am concerned. I wish there were more comedians who used him as a role model.
3 1/4 stars — DVD
Flash Movie Review: G.I. Joe: Retaliation
The sun was about to open its eyes, sending the first ray of light into the softening blue sky. Enemy soldiers were perched strategically around waiting for the signal to begin their assault against the base. What the enemy forces did not know was the soldiers on base were prepared and had a secret weapon. The Roller Blaster was prepped for maximum coverage to drive a wedge through the enemy. Its design was simple; made of the cardboard tube from a roll of paper towels and marbles for ammunition. I came up with the design one day while I was playing with my toy soldiers as a little boy. You should have seen how the marbles would roll out of the partially lifted tube and knock down the enemy soldiers. Not that I want to brag, but this action movie could have used some of my imagination. The G.I. Joes had to battle an evil plot that not only threatened their very existence but could bring down the government of the United States. Channing Tatum (The Vow, Magic Mike) and Dwayne Johnson (Snitch, Race to Witch Mountain) played G. I. Joe commanders Duke and Roadblock. The bantering between the two of them was pitiful; in fact, the entire movie was filled with every cliche you have heard from every action movie. And can someone tell me when Bruce Willis (Looper, Die Hard franchise) became the godfather of the testosterone thriller movies? Playing General Joe Colton, Bruce was no different then he had been in his past several films. I could have forgiven the cheesy script and crazy plot if the fight scenes had been creative. Except for one fight scene, the rest were lackluster. The problem was director Jon M. Chu, known for the Step Up movies. Filming dancers and ninjas should not necessarily be different, but the fighting was confusing here. If it would have helped make a better film, I could have offered the G.I. Joes my Roller Blaster.
1 3/4 stars
Flash Movie Review: Olympus Has Fallen
Around the globe there are iconic structures that mean something to a variety of individuals. From the Grand Canyon to the Eiffel Tower, their fame becomes part of our memories, whether we have seen them with our own eyes or not. The first time I saw the White House I was standing outside of it as a peaceful rally was taking place. Suddenly there was a whirling sound that increased in tempo. The president’s helicopter rose above the White House and began to head towards us. I remember the helicopter moving higher above our heads as if it was floating on the breeze from our waving hands. With this memory I already had an investment in this action film. Transferred to a different department job after a tragic accident; secret service agent Mike Banning’s, played by Gerard Butler (Law Abiding Citizen, Playing for Keeps), training kicked in when the White House came under attack. If it meant taking a bullet; Mike’s conditioning prepared him to do so in order to protect the president. The cast had a roster of fine actors to tackle the task of portraying powerful political figures. Aaron Eckhart (Rabbit Hole, Thank You for Smoking) as President Benjamin Asher, Morgan Freeman (Invictus, Million Dollar Baby) as Speaker Trumbull and Melissa Leo (The Fighter, Frozen River) as Secretary of Defense Ruth McMillan to name a few. Gerard was no-nonsense in his character; he handled his wisecracks as well as his killings. What bothered me was a majority of the fight scenes were cloaked in shadows, making it hard to see the action. Granted this would be an advantage for those who cannot watch bloody violence. The thing I found most annoying was the soundtrack. It was made of cloying dramatic musical swells that took tension away from the scenes. The story was standard good guy/bad guy fare with a couple of surprises and a few unrealistic notions. All the movie needed was the opportunity for the President to say at some point, “Not in my house!” Scenes filled with graphic blood and violence.
2 1/2 stars
Flash Movie Review: Dead Man Down
My revenge was fueled by all the past years’ wrongs. From the older neighbor boy who threw a rock at me to the former boss who enjoyed being mean. The anger I had inside made up what I refer to as my dark side. Members in my class cannot believe I had a dark side. I point out to them that I am a credit manager during the day. Also, I tell them I never forget a customer who promised me a check then did not send it. This is preferable than telling them some of the things I did in the past when my dark side was dominant. Like the time the mean boss was calling for help from a bathroom stall as I walked into the restroom. I turned right around, shut the lights off and closed the door behind me as I walked out. So you see I am familiar with revenge and maybe that is why I enjoyed this movie thriller. From the director of the original The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo movie; Niels Arden Oplev directed this, his first English speaking film. Colin Farrell (Seven Psychopaths, Total Recall) played Victor, a rising criminal who reluctantly agreed to help Beatrice, played by Noomi Rapace (Prometheus, Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows), get revenge on the man who disfigured her face. There was a problem; Victor was in the middle of enacting revenge on someone else already. He was doing this while being a member of a gang led by Alphonse, played by Terrence Howard (Red Tails, The Brave One). The story was nutty, a little too crazy for me. But you know I did not really care because I enjoyed Colin and Noomi in their roles. There was graphic violence with blood, explosions and careening plot twists. Then right in the middle of it all you got a budding romance. Go figure; maybe it is because I know revenge, but I do enjoy a story where the underdog gets a fair chance to win one. Also, I prefer watching a movie about revenge than being that person who used to act out with the dark side years ago. Scenes of blood and violence.
2 1/2 stars
Flash Movie Review: A Good Day to Die Hard
At the age of 90 my uncle decided to give up driving. He told us he was not as fast as he used to be. Look at Jerry Seinfeld, he decided to end his television show while it was still getting top ratings and not sliding into mediocrity. As I am aging I know there will come a time when I will have to dial back from teaching my classes. If I cannot provide what the members want for their workout, I am realistic enough to know it is time for me to step aside. Look at the movie Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. The time between this film and the previous one in the franchise was 19 years. It should never have been made; it was a black mark for the franchise. Let us now focus on this latest installment of the Die Hard franchise. Six years since the last one, Bruce Willis (Looper, Moonrise Kingdom) is now a 57 year old John McClane in this action film. Discovering his estranged son Jack, played by Jai Courtney (Stone Bros., Spartacus: War of the Damned-TV), was sitting in a Russian prison waiting to go to trial, John decided to fly out to see what he could do to save his son. Once in Russia, John soon discovered his son was really a CIA operative assigned to protect Russian underworld kingpin Komarov, played by Sebastian Koch (The Lives of Others, Unknown). If this is not making sense to you, no need to worry because nothing really made sense. I found it amazing that the guns used in this film never ran out of bullets or one of the top henchmen talked about his love of tap dancing. I am not making this crazy stuff up. This idiotic movie was one loud fight scene after another, filled with crashes and explosions. And poor John McClane stuck in a time warp from the 1980’s, repeating his catchphrases over and over to the point the jokes were pulverized into dullness. This movie was the perfect example of what happens when you stay past your prime; you remind everyone how much better you used to be.
1 2/3 stars
Flash Movie Review: Bullet to the Head
At this stage of my life there a few things I would like to give back and a few items I wish I could get again. It would be nice to have the thick head of hair I once had when I was younger. Back then I did not have to worry about raindrops sliding off my scalp and into my eyes. I wish I could give back the annoying brief dizziness I get when I stand up too fast from a reclined position. I understand these things are part of the territory when one ages; so truthfully, I do not give much thought to it. My philosophy is these age related things are infinitely better than the possible alternatives. I cannot understand people who are obsessed with youthfulness by altering their bodies to almost unrecognizable states. That is one of the reasons I had a hard time watching this crime thriller. Sylvester Stallone (The Expendables franchise, Cop Land) did not look human to me. Playing hit man James Bonomo, I found the role to be a narcissistic vehicle for Sylvester. There was the obligatory scene of Sylvester wearing boxers, so movie goers could gaze upon his chiseled body. The story had Sylvester’s character teaming up with detective Taylor Kwon, played by Sung Kang (Ninja Assassin, Fast & Furious franchise), when each of their partners were killed. The deaths lead the two men to a citywide, deadly scheme of corruption fronted by dirty businessman Robert Nkomo Morel, played by Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (Killer Elite, Lost-TV). Except for the tight fight scenes, I found this to be a lazy movie. The script was uninspired, offering several tepid catch phrases. There was nothing new in the movie, leaving me bored. As far as I was concerned, I thought Sylvester should embrace his age and look for roles that would be more appropriate for him. By the end of the film; I felt as if a gun had been pointed to my head, forcing me to sit through this poorly done movie.
1 2/3 stars
Flash Movie Review: Parker
An idyllic setting of a good old fashioned state fair was a wonderful opening to this action crime film. Having been born and raised in a large city, seeing the activities and events at the fair were a bit foreign to me. What I found attractive was the sense of peaceful camaraderie among the people. Not that I would ever go on an amusement ride that would spin me around or enter a pie eating contest. You may be surprised by that but I do not eat food from someone I do not know. As a result I never partake in potluck dinners and absolutely no buffets. I am not eating any food that has been guarded by a sneeze guard. But I can do a whole post on my neuroses; let me get back to the movie. From this opening scene the main character Parker, played by Jason Statham (Safe, The Transporter franchise), was walking through the fair, dressed as a priest. The opening scene was the best this film had to offer. It pretty much is a given what type of movie to expect with Jason as the star. A smattering of witty lines, bloody tough fight scenes and Jason doing the same type of role he has done before in his films. In this movie he was a thief in a gang led by Melander, played by Michael Chiklis (The Shield-TV, Fantastic Four franchise). After being double crossed, Parker followed the group to Palm Beach to take what was rightfully due him. To put his plan in place, Parker would need the help of desperate realtor Leslie Rodgers, played by Jennifer Lopez (Out of Sight, Maid in Manhattan). Seeing Jennifer in this role, all I kept thinking was she left American Idol for this? It was an odd role and I did not think it was anything special. Just as strange was seeing Patti LuPone (Heist, City by the Sea) playing Leslie’s mother. If you enjoy Jason’s other movies, this one will probably satisfy you. For me there was nothing new in this predictable story.
1 3/4 stars
Flash Movie Review: Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
My introduction to the brothers Grimm was through animated movies. I can remember being perched atop folded coats on my theater seat, so I would have a clear view of the movie screen. Cinderella dressed in her magical ball gown or the poisoned apple that induced eternal slumber for Sleeping Beauty were characters that amazed me, when I saw them up on the big screen. At a time before movie characters were marketed into every conceivable consumer product, I stored a variety of Grimm fairy tale characters in my imagination. Let me first say I am not a purist when it comes to keeping a story true to its original form. If the story can still be entertaining, I am fine with it. Unfortunately this abomination lacked the entertainment factor, besides a variety of other things. The movie updated the story of Hansel and Gretel by turning the brother and sister into adult witch hunters. Sure I get it, nearly cooked in an oven by an evil witch as kids; I could buy into their chosen profession. What I found out of character was having the two talking in a contemporary style, dropping the “F” word freely. It was foolish to have fairy tale characters from olden days swearing like thugs. Jeremy Renner (The Hurt Locker, The Bourne Legacy) was Hansel and we were led to believe he was a diabetic. He wore a special wristwatch that rang every 2 hours, reminding him to take an injection that would keep him alive. It was so ridiculous I knew the concept was only there to be used later in the boring story. Gemma Arterton (Quantum of Solace, Clash of the Titans) was the sharpshooter Gretel. The two were hired by a town to find a witch that was stealing children. What Hansel and Gretel found was a diabolical plot by the powerful witch Muriel, played by Famke Janssen (X-Men franchise, Goldeneye). In a nutshell the acting was miserable, the special effects were bland, the story was putrid and I resented the movie studio for tarnishing a classic tale.
1 1/4 stars
moviejoltz 