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Flash Movie Review: Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale
Almost every town, neighborhood and village has its own folk tales. In the neighborhood where I grew up there were 2 houses that all of us kids believed were haunted. One house was perched on the corner of my block. Painted in a dark brown color, there were curling vines that creeped up the sides of the house scarring the paint off the wood, leaving the brooding house looking wounded. The other house was a couple of blocks away from our apartment but I never ventured by its rounded gate that had spikes on the top. My friends and I knew not to stop at these houses during Halloween. In my travels I have come across an area’s legends and stories; some had a fun quirkiness to them while others were used to explain the unexplainable. In this adventure fantasy film I loved the folklore presented to set up the story. While a mysterious archaeological dig was taking place in the mountains above the village; young Pietari Kontio, played by Onni Tommila (Last Cowboy Standing) noticed several children had gone missing right before Christmas. This film festival winning movie captured my attention immediately even with it also being considered a horror film. Set in the mountains of Finland, I felt I was transported to the coldness of the town as little clues were being dropped to the viewer, leading us like a lamb to slaughter. I knew no one in the cast, such as Jorma Tommila (Priest of Evil, Sisters Apart) as Pietari’s father Rauno and Tommi Korpela (The Home of Dark Butterflies, A Man’s Job) as Aimo; but it did not matter, it only heightened my belief that I was watching the actual town folk. The story was wickedly dark and amusing at the same time; I just found it creative in a twisted sort of way. Now I have no idea whether this tale was actually based on some true folk legend, but I found it to be a brilliant method to keep the viewer guessing as the plot unfolded. It was amazing to me how the writers took basic things most of us knew or had heard of and turned them into something different with sinister overtones. If you plan on seeing this picture be prepared because there were a couple of gruesome scenes. As some of you know I am not a big fan of horror movies, but I have to tell you I had a great time watching this film. It certainly gave a new meaning to the phrase, “…who was naughty or nice.” There were a couple of scenes with blood that some may find disturbing. Finnish with English subtitles.
3 1/4 stars — DVD
Flash Movie Review: I, Frankenstein
I would have been upset if this movie was based on Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. Except for Victor Frankenstein’s creation, there was no similarity between this action fantasy film and the original story. It turns out this movie was based on the graphic novel of the same name. I looked up the definition of graphic novel to find out it is defined as a fictional story that is done in a comic strip format, but in book form. With this understanding, I did not have a problem with this movie’s story. Frankenstein’s creation, played by Aaron Eckhart (The Dark Knight, Thank You for Not Smoking), was being hunted by evil demons led by Naberius, played by Bill Nighy (About Time, Love Actually), who needed him to complete their plan to create an army of demonic soulless beings to take over the world. The only thing standing in their way were the gargoyles led by Leonore, played by Miranda Otto (The Lord of the Rings franchise, What Lies Beneath). The film trailer I saw for this movie was predominantly filled with battle scenes. I now understand why since most of the time I was watching chase and fight scenes. If you are looking for just a mindless movie to sit back and not think about, this one is doable. The idea and concept of this story was fine; however, it was poorly executed. I found the writing to be bland and pretty cheesy for the most part. The transformation from gargoyle to human form was fun but most of the special effects were just okay, nothing really spectacular. I have always been fond of Aaron’s and Bill’s acting in the past and would have liked to have seen here more detail in their roles. Granted once I realized the Frankenstein character was more of a superhero I thought Aaron was an odd choice. If there were not any CGI effects involved then Aaron was chiseled for the role but was still of an average human size. There was a familiarity to the whole layout of this movie and I found out why afterwards. The writer was the same one who did the Underworld films, which explained the look and feel to this picture. Now I cannot say this was an awful film, it still entertained me; it just was too generic. If the movie studio still plans to do a sequel, since it was obvious at the end, I hope they spend more time devoted to the details of the story to make the viewers care about it.
1 3/4 stars
Flash Movie Review: Devil’s Due
My cravings are emotionally based; I fully understand it. I am not physically craving chocolate but experiencing a mental comfort as I consume it. So when I hear about a variety of cravings pregnant women say they have I try to imagine how such a combination of food could satisfy their bodies. Or maybe I am making an assumption and it is an emotional thing for them as much as it is for me. Sure we have all heard of the pickles and ice cream craving; however, there are some that sound so odd to me. One person I knew constantly craved spicy hot foods during her pregnancy, the hot pepper oil and sriracha type of hot. There was someone who prior to becoming pregnant loved mustard; however, as soon as she became pregnant the smell of mustard made her violently ill. I just find it curious why a body, for example, would crave a cheesy corn puff instead of a piece of cheese. I figure who am I to question such things, but in this horror film the cravings took on a sinister outlook. Soon after their honeymoon newlyweds Samantha and Zach McCall, played by Allison Miller (17 Again, Blood: The Last Vampire) and Zach Gilford (The Last Stand, Friday Night Lights-TV), found out they were going to have a baby. As the pregnancy progressed Zach began to notice unsettling changes in his wife that were hard to explain. This scary movie used the found footage technique of filming for the entire movie. This meant there was shakiness to almost every scene, to the point where I wanted to take something for motion sickness; I absolutely disliked it. In addition there were times I sat and wondered who was holding the camera and how could they even film the scene based on the camera angle. The script was poorly written for an unexciting story. I was bored except for a couple of decent special effects, but they were not enough to get me at all excited about this film. Seeing Sam Anderson (Perfect Strangers, Water for Elephants) as Father Thomas and Vanessa Ray (Francis Ha, Not Waving but Drowning) as Suzie, I had to wonder if they were embarrassed for agreeing to do this ridiculous bloody movie. I only pray this film does not procreate and spawn a sequel. There were several scenes with gore and blood in them.
1 1/3 stars
Flash Movie Review: The Legend of Hercules
After viewing this action film I was curious to see what actors portrayed Hercules in past years. Looking at the movie titles and the actors that starred in them, I am afraid to say author Edith Hamilton would be distraught at the lack of respect we have given this mythical Greek hero. Arnold Schwarzenegger starred in Hercules in New York, Reg Park was in Hercules and the Captive Women besides Hercules in the Haunted World; even Lou Ferrigno played Hercules a couple of times before he became the Incredible Hulk. I was shocked to find Ryan Gosling did a turn as a young Hercules before his star power really came to light. For those of you who were too young to have seen these movies, chances are you are familiar with the television series starring Kevin Sorbo as the son of Zeus. I was curious why director Renny Harlin (Diehard 2, The Covenant) felt the need to helm this adventure fantasy. Kellan Lutz (Twilight franchise, Immortals) starred as Hercules, though he did not know about his true identity until later in the film. The story began in ancient Greece 1200 BC as we learn the reasons why Hercules was born to Queen Alcmene, played by Roxanne McKee (The Expelled, Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines) and then followed him as he grew up under the mistrustful eye of his stepfather King Amphitryon, played by Scott Adkins (Zero Dark Thirty, Assassination Games). Do you know how some of the worst foods for you taste the best? Well that is sort of the same idea I had about this schlock pop movie. It was so bad that it was like campy trash one would watch on a rainy day; sitting with a bag of potato chips, a tub of chip dip, a box of chocolate candy and a triple thick milkshake by one’s side. The acting was less about performance and more about being a cartoon character; it was so dull and corny with the ridiculous script. I have to assume the movie studio was looking to make a quick buck because the sets and special effects were beyond cheap looking. Wait until you see the lion; it looked like it was based on a squishy stuffed animal. Adding insult to injury, I saw this in a 3D theater that had issues with the film. For the first 20 minutes it was shown in 2D before the projectionist realized he was (I guess) supposed to flip a switch and make it 3D. No one in the theater even complained. I have to say once again Hollywood did Hercules wrong with this latest lowbrow movie.
1 2/3 stars
Flash Movie Review: 47 Ronin
I am always eager to read or hear a good story. The stories from friends and family are special to listen to since there is the personal aspect to them; for example, a friend telling me how the unusual mantle clock on their dresser came to them from their grandfather. I only wish I knew the story behind a silver cup that was given to me that belonged to my great, great grandfather; imagine what kind of tale that would be. Another type of story I enjoy are the ones that have to do with public places like the reasons why the city of Chicago reversed the direction of the Chicago River or the true story behind the stock exchange building in Savannah, Georgia. When it comes to movies, I am always looking to be entertained by a good story. With regards to this adventure fantasy film, I thought it would be especially interesting since the film was based on an 18th century Japanese story about samurai. Never accepted as a true member of the village, the leader of a band of samurai named Oishi, played by Hiroyuki Sanada (The Wolverine, The Twilight Samurai), would have to depend on the special skills only Kai, played by Keanu Reeves (Speed, The Matrix franchise), could offer in the group’s quest to clear the name of their former master. From what I understood the historic legend was about 47 samurai who were known as ronins, which means without a master. So with this archival reference I thought the studio would have gone the extra distance to make a vivid action movie worthy of the story. Unfortunately that was not the case with this dull plodding film. Keanu did himself no favors, acting more like a supporting character; with his standard short, staccato quiet way of speaking. It is something everyone has seen before and all it achieved here was to dim my senses. The script was pretty much a total mess; I did not feel hardly any emotions throughout the scenes. At least there were a few good battle scenes; however, with the fantasy element being part of this story, I felt there was not enough of it in the film to make it noteworthy. Adding in the marketing of this movie, it looked like the studio spent a lot of money to make this picture. Sadly, the only story that will be told about this fiasco will be how the movie studio took a hit on their earnings for ruining a legendary tale. Several scenes had Japanese with English subtitles.
1 2/3 stars
Flash Movie Review: Walking with Dinosaurs
My love of museums began at a very young age. There were several top rated ones in the city where I was born. At one museum I could take a ride down into a coal mine or climb into an actual submarine from World War II. Another museum had these large comfy seats that would lean way back, so I could look up at the stars and planets that traveled across the rounded ceiling as it changed from morning to night in a matter of seconds. We had one museum that was filled with a variety of ancient objects. There were mummies and sarcophagi that I, of course, thought were props from the movies Ben Hur and The Ten Commandments. The other thing I always found fascinating in this museum were the prehistoric skeleton bones. As far as I was concerned they were the bones I saw in the Jules Verne movies I would watch on Saturday afternoons. To see up close the massive size of the dinosaur skeletons only fueled my imagination. The same held true in this action movie because the special effects truly brought the dinosaurs to life. I can only imagine what it must have looked like in the 3D version. The story was about Patchi, voiced by Justin Long (Drag Me to Hell, Accepted), the youngest and smallest of the herd leader’s children. With his friend Alex the bird, voiced by John Leguizamo (Moulin Rouge, Assault of Precinct 13), Patchi did not let his size get in the way of trying to be a hero. This family film was perfect for little children, especially those that are into prehistoric animals. Unfortunately that is the only good thing to be said about this boring movie. I did say it was great to watch but that only goes so far; a good story was needed to keep viewers’ attention. The humor was strictly infantile with cliched themes, such as the rivalry between Patchi and his older brother Scowler, voiced by Skyler Stone (The Rules of Attraction, Stuck on You). John Leguizamo has a distinct, rapid fire delivery that with the right script works well. Here the few funny lines he did have were probably not picked up by any of the youngsters in the audience. In fact, there were lines said by many of the characters that were just lame. It really was a shame because the trailer gave the impression of an exciting, dramatic adventure story. You would be better off to just look up the trailer and avoid the movie. Or better yet go to a natural history museum and let your imagination take off with the dinosaur bones on display.
1 3/4 stars
Flash Movie Review: The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
Some of the things home means to me are comfort, peacefulness, safety and refuge. This pertains to my present location. Home also has a special meaning when I think of the place where I grew up. There were neighbors who lived across, below and around the corner from our apartment. If I wanted to talk to my cousins who lived on the other side of the building all I had to do was open the bathroom window and call out their names. The other neighbors in the building were just like family to me. It meant nothing to go pick up something at the grocery store for a neighbor, especially since they would give me extra money to buy myself some candy. Years later when I found out our old apartment building was going from rentals to condominiums I was heartbroken. How could the apartment I was born in now be owned by someone? As long as it was a rental I could still imagine each person living there was only temporarily residing in my childhood apartment. Home can be a powerful connection which explains the motivation that drove the dwarves of Erebor to reclaim their land taken away by the greedy dragon Smaug. Led by Thorin, played by Richard Armitage (Captain America: The First Avenger, Robin Hood-TV), the dwarves were helped on their perilous journey by the Hobbit Bilbo Baggins, played by Martin Freeman (Love Actually, The World’s End) and Gandalf the Grey, played by Ian McKellen (X-Men franchise, Gods and Monsters). The landscape that director Peter Jackson (King Kong, The Lovely Bones) laid out in this fantasy film was exquisite. It looked as real and amazing as any of the incredible landscapes that would be considered a wonder of the world. The action was close to nonstop as possible to the point where I felt it was overkill. For me this was the movie’s downfall. There were so many action scenes that the story never developed fully. For the life of me I have no idea what was the reason for the secondary story line regarding the elf Tauriel, played by Evangeline Lilly (Real Steel, Afterwards); it came out of the blue and made no sense to me. Due to the excess of fight scenes in this adventure film, their repetitiveness only added to the times where I was getting bored. Clocking in at 2 hours and 41 minutes, this was a movie that felt longer because it did not have the magic that was present in the The Lord of the Rings franchise. To end on an up note I thought the dragon Smaug was a technical achievement. It was a shame the dwarves not only had to fight evil forces if they wanted to get back their homeland, they had to battle a bad script.
2 3/4 stars
Flash Movie Review: Free Birds
Out of all the holidays during the year, I have always felt the safest during this one. Maybe this sounds odd to you but this holiday was more of an internal one of celebration for me. There was no need to put up any kind of decorations, it did not represent one particular religious group, there were no gift exchanges, it did not require going anywhere but your own or someone’s home; Thanksgiving was simply a time to sit down and share a meal with the family. I would get excited by the variety of side dishes that spread across the table like steaming volcanoes, waiting for us to chip away at them. For me, the most important part came after dinner. Once the dishes were removed and the tablecloth was swept of any crumbs, the desserts would conquer the dining room table. There was such a comfort that came over me as I would sit quietly at my place and eat all the sweet treats that I had placed on my spotless plate. It was during this time of the Thanksgiving meal where my plate remained the cleanest; I would not let one morsel slip out of my mouth. To tell you the truth it did not matter to me if there was turkey served or not since my main focus was on the sweet stuff. The same held true in this animated comedy; it would not make a difference to me if Jake and Reggie, voiced by Woody Harrelson (Now You See Me, Zombieland) and Owen Wilson (Wedding Crashers, The Internship), succeeded in their mission. The two unlikely partners were going back in time to the first Thanksgiving in Plymouth, Massachusetts to stop the tradition forming to serve turkey for the holiday meal. As far as animated movies go, this one was not very good. It did not have the colors, the dimension or detail of other films I have seen. The humor remained on an elementary level, lacking any kind of sophistication. It was a shame because I enjoyed the cast which also included Amy Poehler (Mean Girls, A.C.O.D.) as Jenny and George Takei (Star Trek franchise, Heroes-TV) as S.T.E.V.E.; the voice of the time machine. To be released during the upcoming holiday season, this movie needed to be fun and uplifting. Save your money for your holiday shopping instead of seeing this film in the theater. Only if you have young children should you consider spending your money on this dull movie. If you do see it, stay through the credits.
1 3/4 stars
Flash Movie Review: Thor: The Dark World
There is a feeling of anxious anticipation many of us experience when our budding romantic interest says they will call or see us later. The heart trips over the flow of excited joy as the mind tries to recall if there are any commitments on your mental calendar. You want to be available and you want to be ready when you see or hear from them again. But as the days pass without any sign from them, all of the excitement dives into a vat of thick, questioning self-doubt. You start picking at every detail from the previous meeting, seeking out a reason why they have not called you. It can turn into a vicious cycle that very few people are immune from. Even if your boyfriend is a super hero it can still happen; just ask Jane Foster, played by Natalie Portman (No Strings Attached, Brothers), who was waiting for 2 years. In this action adventure sequel there was a reason why Thor, played by Chris Hemsworth (The Avengers, Rush), did not come back to see Jane. He was busy trying to establish order in the nine realms. But when an ancient race of beings lead by Malekith, played by Christopher Eccleston (G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, Amelia), sought to convert the realms into their world; Thor had a good reason why he had not called Jane. I am being silly to match the silliness that was in this fantasy film. It was too much for me. I would have preferred a little more seriousness interjected into some of the scenes to make them more dramatic. Though the returning cast was okay for the most part, the scene stealer was Tom Hiddleston (War Horse, Midnight in Paris) as Loki. He had the strongest presence out of everyone, including Anthony Hopkins (Hitchcock,The Wolfman) as Odin. What lost it for me was the jumbled story line. The jumping back and forth between dimensions, if that is even what they were, was too confusing. I felt it took some excitement away from the fight scenes. It was a shame because I really liked the great stylish look to the movie. In a way I guess I had been waiting for this sequel like it was a 2nd date. Too bad the anticipation for it was more exciting than the actual viewing. If you do watch this film, stay through both sets of credits.
2 2/3 stars
Flash Movie Review: About Time
The conversation seemed to be going well. There was a rhythm established where we started to volley thoughts and questions back and forth. I have always considered the absence of questions being asked as a red flag. In conversations I am a stickler for making eye contact, for I gain added insight when I can look into their eyes while we are talking to each other. The dinner date was going well but there was a voice in the back of my head that was critiquing my performance. There was an onslaught of questions chipping away at my confidence. Why did I immediately say indoors without asking their opinion, when the host asked if we wanted to dine indoors or out? I detest eating outdoors; having to fight bugs, car exhaust and pedestrians walking by. Why didn’t I order a plain entree instead of something that I had to tell the waiter to either remove or exchange parts for something different? If I could have only gone back in time like they did in this comedic drama I know I could have made a better impression. When Tim, played by Domhnall Gleeson (True Grit, Dredd), was told by his father, played by Bill Nighy (The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, Love Actually), that all the men in their family had the ability to travel back in time, he had to find out for himself. Discovering it was true, Tim set out on a journey to find himself a girlfriend. He would also discover things change when one goes back in time. This fantasy film had a sweet and sentimental story; I was thoroughly entertained by it. I thought everyone did a wonderful job with their characters, especially Rachel McAdams (Midnight in Paris, The Vow) as Mary. The role was perfect for her style of acting. Since this film festival winning movie was a fantasy, I was not so concerned with the way Tim traveled in time or if it was hokey. They were easily forgivable because I found the entire story had an easy flow and kept me engaged. Imagine if we could go back and do things over from our past; it would make life easier. But since it is make-believe, I have to remember to embrace and live in the moment.
3 stars
moviejoltz 