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Flash Movie Review: Fifty Shades of Black

How often than not do you hear a child focusing and repeating a new word they heard somewhere. If it was not an appropriate word, parents used to scold and tell the child it was a “bad” word. What I noticed was the sterner the parents’ reprimand, the more the child would not let go of the word. At least that is what I used to see several years ago. I notice now parents try not to react or place a negative connotation on the word; they simply explain to their child that the word is not something that people say in public. I recall this one time while sitting on the train, across from me sat a mother with a child sitting in her lap. The child was taking great pleasure in repeating a slang word for flatulence over and over again. Though the mother was not reacting to her child’s vocalizations, the little boy was looking at everyone sitting around him. It appeared as if he was trying to get a reaction from anyone within earshot. I think part of the reason there were no reactions was the majority of people were plugged into their electronic devices, listening to music. This experience was fascinating because I was surprised for such a young age this little boy was trying to get a rise out of the audience around him, so to speak. Essentially the child was using shock value to get a reaction. It was the exact same method the writers were doing in this parody.    USING the best selling novel Fifty Shades of Grey as a blueprint this comedy was co-written by and starred Marlon Wayans (Scary Movie franchise, A Haunted House franchise) as Christian. The cast also included Kali Hawk (Couples Retreat, Get Him to the Greek) as Hannah, Fred Willard (American Wedding, Roseanne-TV) as Gary and Florence Henderson (The Brady Bunch-TV, Holy Man) as Mrs. Robinson. You could imagine with a cast like this, one would expect this comedy to be a real hoot. It was in fact one of the worst films I have seen recently. I just wanted to know if Florence knew what she was getting into when she agreed to her role. First let me talk about it being a parody. Maybe if it focused on the Fifty Shades story it would have helped instead of making fun of other celebrities and films. Secondly the humor was so dreadful and infantile; I did not find anything worthy of a laugh. It seemed as if Marlon was perfectly content to write a script that never went beyond the lowest and simplest form of cracking a joke. I understand the book was an adult read, so I get the idea this spoof would have its share of adult related themes. But c’mon how many times does one have to keep doing the same type of blue humor? I felt like I was stuck in a room with a bratty kid who just learned how to say the word “poop.”


1 star




Flash Movie Review: A Haunted House 2

The repetitive irritations in life can be considered the universe’s way of testing us to see if we have learned to let go. Scrubbing down from top to bottom your kitchen after spotting a trail of ants, only to discover the next day they returned, can be upsetting. Maybe you were inflicted with a rash, where you had to apply a topical ointment and take medicine. It finally cleared up in a couple of weeks. Three days later your skin started to itch, heralding the return of the rash and a new round of antibiotics. This past winter was not only hard for me but it was irritating. It seemed like every time I shoveled the snow around my house another storm would come by and I had to redo the sidewalks again. I remember at one point thinking if I could rent a flame thrower, it would be worth it to take care of the unrelenting snow. At least I knew the seasons would eventually change but imagine what poor Malcolm, played by Marlon Wayans (Scary movie franchise, White Chicks), had to go through when he discovered he was being haunted again. In this sequel Malcolm was starting out fresh; he had his new girlfriend Megan, played by Jamie Pressly (My Name is Earl-TV; I Love you, Man), a new house and new neighbor Miguel, played by Gabriel Iglesias (Magic Mike, Days of Santiago). Life was good until Malcolm noticed something was wrong. The basis of this comedy horror movie was to be a parody of several recent scary films. I will say Marlon threw himself into his character, screaming and yelling his way through the physical stunts. At one point it seemed as if Marlon created this picture just so he could see how many times he could be on screen without wearing clothes. Since the movie trailer had some of the better humor, there was very little in this film that produced a chuckle or snicker out of me. I just found the story was one long series of skits, each one getting more ridiculous than the previous one. As for commenting on the directing or camera work, there really was nothing I could offer since this film didn’t pretend to be anything else but what it was–a low level joke fest. Maybe I was wrong to assume Marlon had more to offer, because if he is going to make these movies a continuing franchise, they will become nothing more than a plantar wart that keeps coming back.


1 1/2 stars

Flash Movie Review: A Haunted House

Laughter is an oil change for a person’s mind and body. There is nothing like laughter to blow away any clouds that have formed in the mind or to release the tightened tissues of the body. Every day I try to find humor in my daily life. Whether it comes out of a profound or ridiculous situation, there usually is a laugh or two to be found. In this movie the humor was expected by spoofing horror films, such as Paranormal Activity. There is nothing wrong to laugh at something silly; I laughed at a couple of scenes in this comedy. Marlon Wayans (Scary Movie franchise, White Chicks) played the boyfriend Malcolm. A big moment was taking place in his life when his girlfriend Kisha, played by Essence Atkins (Dysfunctional Friends, Are We There Yet?), decided to move in with him. Once she arrived things started happening that Malcolm was not expecting. Setting up a house security camera system, the couple hoped to get to the bottom of the unexpected occurrences. This witless movie was mindless. I can appreciate a bawdy (who says that these days?) or body function joke; but after one of them, they lose their shock value for me. As soon as a scene was set, it was obvious where the gag was about to happen. Even casting Cedric the Entertainer (Larry Crowne, Cadillac Records) as Father Williams was mild relief to the monotony. There was nothing original written into the screenplay. Haven’t we already been exposed to most jokes about flatulence or copulation? I am not this curmudgeon sitting in his theater seat, with a flashlight and billy club, ready to pounce on any offenders who are not following my movie theater rules of etiquette. However, this film was rated R and I want to know what the parents in the theater were thinking by bringing their young children to this movie. I just want to scream, “If you cannot afford a babysitter then stay home and read a book to your kids.”  The biggest joke to be found is buying a ticket to see this stale movie.


1 2/3 stars

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