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Flash Movie Review: Shadowboxer
THE picture was of a young woman wearing a hat. Her head was turned enough to only provide a profile of her face. We were told to look intently at this picture; the teacher asking us if anyone saw something else. I kept looking at it then suddenly the image of an elderly woman appeared, removing any trace of the young woman. It was amazing to me and this became my introduction into the world of optical illusions. Whenever I was in the school library I sought out books that would reveal more optical illusions to me. There was the zebra with 2 heads, the elephant with extra legs and what would became one of my favorites, the two people sitting at a table who morphed into a human skull. At one point in time I had a poster of an abstract illusion hanging in my room. EVEN into adulthood I always enjoyed a good optical illusion or things that appeared to be impossible but were real. A new skyscraper was built in the city and on one side of it there was a built-in aquarium with dolphins. Honestly, it looked that real; even though it was just a painting. In fact there was an art exhibit where the same concept was used at various spots in the city such as a fake staircase in the front of a building and a swimming pool that spanned several hundred feet across a city sidewalk. It is fun to have one’s beliefs tested in this way. The same could be said for a person who does magic tricks or even performs a stunt that has never been attempted before. I enjoy these types of events. However, there are some times I have to just sit there and say to myself, “What were they thinking, why would someone do something like that?” This crime drama would be one of those times. TERMINALLY ill assassin Rose, played by Helen Mirren (Eye in the Sky, The Debt), decided to do one more job with her stepson Mikey, played by Cuba Gooding Jr. (As Good as it Gets, Men of Honor). When she came face to face with the intended target Helen did something she had never done before. This action film had a heavy hitting cast of actors that included Vanessa Ferlito (Julie & Julia, Death Proof) as Vicki, Joseph Gordon-Leavitt (Snowden, The Night Before) as Dr. Don and Stephen Dorff (Public Enemies, Felon) as Clayton Mayfield. We are talking Oscar and Golden Globe winners and nominees, though I realize this film is over 10 years old. I liked the idea for the story but the script was dreadful. There was no oomph to the characters and action; it felt like everyone was just going through their paces. Helen has stellar acting ability and Cuba in the right role can do a great job but I literally sat there with my mouth open watching them together in some scenes on this DVD. This was one of the oddest pairings I have ever seen; what were the studio people thinking about to cast these 2 together in these roles?! I still cannot believe what I witnessed in this movie.
1 ½ stars – DVD
Flash Movie Review: Masterminds
It either floats in like a rolling fog coming down over a mountain range or bursts in like wind off of the Great Plains. No matter which way, once inside of a person the fog or wind spreads sparkles of light over a person’s heart and mind. Any rough edges are quickly filed down into soft round curves since hazard warnings are not allowed. Love has this way of taking over a person’s sense of reason, self-worth and thought processes. I am not saying this is always a bad thing; however, there is a fine line where the person in love slips up and falls into this unchecked devotion that clouds their mind. Let me tell you about a friend of mine who fell hard for this person. Right up front I will tell you I sensed something was not right after being around them for only the 2nd time. This person would regale my friend with these elaborate stories about the life they lead. They had traveled to various exotic locales, worked for the FBI, changed careers to become a top salesperson for a Fortune 500 company and so on and so on. But they slipped up without realizing it. When I mentioned I taught group fitness classes they said they used to do the same thing. A couple of innocent questions on my part confirmed this person was never certified to teach such a class. Here is the thing though, I privately told this to my friend along with my other concerns but it did not make a difference. Being in the birth stage of love my friend already had chucked rational thought from their mind. No matter what red flag popped up my friend ignored it and continued on with this person who would borrow money from time to time, never pick up a drink or restaurant tab and periodically had to be driven around because their “car was in the shop.” Love is best when it works in conjunction with a person’s mind and heart, instead of just consuming it. SECURITY guard David Ghantt, played by Zach Galifianakis (The Hangover franchise, Due Date), would do anything for fellow guard Kelly, played by Kristen Wiig (The Martian, Ghostbusters). She was not the only one who realized it. Based on true events this crime comedy also starred Owen Wilson (Midnight in Paris, No Escape) as Steve, Jason Sudeikis (Mother’s Day, We’re the Millers) as Mike McKinney and Kate McKinnon (Ghostbusters, Saturday Night Live-TV) as Jandice. None of them could help the awful script that was simply a generic version of an action comedy. The one who stood out for me was Kate; she has the best stage and screen presence in my opinion. Zach I feel is starting to be typecast with these same kinds of characters, a bit buffoonish and uncoordinated. As for the humor in this story I found very little to laugh at because I had seen the movie trailer prior. Once you have seen the trailer (even if you did not), the scenes were easy to predict. The actual story made headline news but I am afraid this movie version will quickly go to DVD. Suffice to say I did not love this film.
1 ½ stars
Flash Movie Review: Blair Witch
Fortunately I was not one of those kids who would get carsick. I knew a couple of children who were never invited to take a ride in anyone’s new automobile; for fear the new upholstered or leather seats would no longer have that new smell after they went along for a ride. Even though I was fine being in a car, there were a couple of adults I avoided when they were the drivers. One in particular was referred to as the cowboy because you felt you were riding a bucking bronco (the actual horse, not the car) anytime you would be riding with them. Most people when they see a stop sign or red stoplight would slow down as they neared the intersection, but not them. They would continue the same speed, which by the way was always over the speed limit; all the way until they were just about at the cross street and then they would slam down hard on the brakes. You could not help but be forced forward in your seat. When it came to making a left or right turn it was always better to hold onto the armrest so you would not slide across the seat. After spending just a little time in their car would cause me to have a headache. The constant hard stopping and quick starts just made the entire ride a series of jerking motions that never was pleasant. When I finally could exit their car I usually was dizzy and needed to sit still for a few moments after. It has been years since I experienced a ride like that until I sat through this horror thriller. HAVING seen new footage of the Blair Witch woods James, played by James Allen McCune (The Walking Dead-TV, Shameless-TV) was convinced his missing sister could still be alive. The only way he would know for sure would be to venture into the demonic area. This film also starred Callie Hernandez (Machete Kills, Members Only-TV movie) as Lisa Arlington, Corbin Reid (Words with Girls-TV movie, Kingdom-TV) as Ashley and Brandon Scott (An American in Hollywood, Knife Fight) as Peter. Sitting through this picture I was essentially uncomfortable for most of the time. There was nothing I found positive about this film. Most of you know I am not a fan of the found footage way of shooting a picture, but watching this was more painful than usual. The jerky movements, the poor lighting, the multiple scenes where the camera was dropped on the ground and the periodical blackouts made for a scattered mess on the big screen. There really was no acting to speak of and I did not find any suspense or horror except for one character’s medical condition. I honestly do not know what the point was in making this film; just like the bizarre sound effects had no meaning to me. These random sounds would take place to scare the characters but nothing had any follow through to it. After enduring this movie all the way to the end, all I got out of it was a headache. I would hate to see what would happen for those viewers who get motion sickness; it doesn’t sound like a pretty picture either way.
1 ½ stars
Flash Movie Review: The Disappointments Room
A life full of expectations will be a life filled with disappointments. I wish it wasn’t so but it is a fact; having those expectations can lead you down a sad path in life. This was a hard lesson I had to learn; I mean it took years for me to figure it out and even to this day I have to catch myself from placing expectations on things I have no control over. Now I am not really referring to the expectations we have when we are buying a product. For example if you are buying a vacuum cleaner you expect to plug it in and it works; though these days that may not be the case as much. Or how about the conversation I just had with a friend who went to a restaurant and ordered a particular dinner because of my recommendation. It turns out they did not like it; they were disappointed in the meal. Stuff happens, but where I had to learn to let go of my expectations was when I interact with people. I used to think when I was dating a person who had expressed the same traits and philosophies as me; they would act in a similar fashion as me. Because I reply quickly to a person’s email or text, I used to think the other person would do the same and when they didn’t I would think I did something wrong. It turns out that is not always the case. I learned I cannot place my values, morals or beliefs on someone else. What all of this has done for me is realize I can only be responsible for myself. I have to tell you, this really has helped me when it comes to seeing a movie. Without learning anything about it, I walk into a movie theater without any expectations. I have no idea if I will enjoy a movie or not; even one like this one. RELOCATING to a beautiful house they purchased out in the country Dana and David, played by Kate Beckinsale (Love & Friendship, Underworld franchise) and Mel Raido (Legend, The Informers), had no idea their house had an extra room that came with a secret. This dramatic horror thriller also starred Duncan Joiner (Some Kind of Beautiful, The Perfect Guy) as Lucas and Gerald McRaney (Focus, Major Dad-TV) as Judge Blacker. What I can tell you is the house and its grounds were beautiful. This was the best part of the movie. Wow, I could not believe people at the movie studio put their stamp of approval on green lighting this project. The script was horrible, void of anything exciting or spine tingling. Normally I have enjoyed Kate’s performances but this role was a waste. It was a bummer because the story was split into two trains of thought. If the writers would have only done a story about the house or one about the family dynamics I think this would have been a better picture. Instead what was offered was a silly, generic, plain movie that should have been locked up in the film studio’s disappointments room. I truly walked into this with no expectations despite the film’s title.
1 ½ stars
Flash Movie Review: The Wild Life
For some of you one of your earliest memories may have been waking up in the morning to see 2 eyes intently watching you from a nose distance away. You may have woken up from the warm breath pulsing at you or maybe the low sounding purr. One of the earliest relationships many of us have had was the bond between us and our pets. Though I did not experience it at a young age, I do remember how much I enjoyed slipping in between the bed sheets to discover the warmth a pet had created in my space. I still get a chuckle from the stories and photos my friends share of them waking up to have a sleeping cat draped around their head or going to sleep and finding their dog was already snuggled into the bed with the sheets pulled up to their dog collar, their head resting on a pillow. One picture in particular you would swear the dog was looking at his non-furry friend as if to say, “C’mon, it is time to go to sleep.” The bond between animals and humans has stayed strong throughout the centuries. In the past I would always have a line drawn between the characteristics displayed by animals and humans. An animal acts differently than a human; I never assumed a dog or a cat was thinking in a similar way to me. Seeing the interactions between my friends and their pets, I know some of their pets are more than pets. I get it and I am not judging because I have witnessed some interactions that can only be explained as telepathy or empathy. Even some of the movies I have reviewed here that were based on true stories about humans and animals amazed me. In fact today’s film showed something I never knew about the classic story of Robinson Crusoe. STRANDED and alone Robinson Crusoe, voiced by Matthias Schweighofer (Rabbit without Ears, What a Man), did not realize he actually had friends on the small island. This film festival winning animated adventure comedy also had the voices of Kaya Yanar (Schillerstrabe-TV) as Papagei Dienstal, Ilka Bessin (Der Nanny) as Tapir Rosie and Dieter Hallervorden (Nonstop Nonsens-TV, On Track) as Ziegenbock Zottel. In case you were wondering this Belgium film had dubbed in English for the dialog. The best part of this picture was the colorful animation; that pretty much was it. I did not mind the twist the writers did to the Robinson Crusoe story but was surprised this script lacked anything fun or funny. Maybe the youngest of children would enjoy this but there were a couple of times where I thought the film was mean spirited. If I had never seen an animated film before in my entire life maybe I would have at least found something to like about this movie. It really was such a flat, uninspired production that I could not wait for it to be over. Honestly if this is an award winner, what were the other nominated films like? Your time would be better spent volunteering at an animal shelter or at least taking the money you would have spent for this film and donating it.
1 ½ stars
Flash Movie Review: Morgan
We were sitting around and talking after dinner. I was expressing my exasperation over building a cabinet from a kit I had bought on the internet. My intentions were to store some of my movie DVDs (no surprise, right?) in it but presently the pieces were scattered on the floor in the living room. The directions had no written text; it only had drawings and icons to follow. I tried but the instructions were not making sense to me. At one point I realized I was building one of the glass enclosed wooden doors backwards, so I unscrewed things and left them on the floor. This led me to explain to my friends why I prefer baking over building. Following a recipe makes me feel calm because it is exact. You have your favorite ingredients such as chocolate, cinnamon or peanut butter and you measure out everything like a chemist until you wind up with this beautiful batter that you put in a hot oven to bake. During the baking process I never taste anything; I feel what company or person would want you to make something that tastes bad. If you follow everything exact it will turn out good is my belief. A friend chimed in it was for that exact reason why they did not like to bake. They said with cooking, if something doesn’t taste good or come out exactly right, you can still add something to fix it. With baking they were stuck once the finished item had baked. The two of us went back and forth on the pluses and minuses of cooking as opposed to baking. The conclusion we both agreed on was there are some ideas that sound absolutely great on paper, but when you make the recipe it just doesn’t turn out as good as it sounded. You could say the same thing about this science fiction mystery. ARTIFICIALLY created humanoid Morgan, played by Anya Taylor-Joy (The Witch, Viking Quest-TV movie), was only 5 years old; but she was already causing problems for the corporation. With a cast that included Kate Mara (The Martian, Fantastic Four) as Lee Weather, Rose Leslie (The Last Witch Hunter, Game of Thrones-TV) as Dr. Amy Menser, Toby Jones (Anthropoid, Captain America franchise) as Dr. Simon Ziegler and Paul Giamatti (San Andreas, The Ides of March) as Dr. Alan Shapiro; one would think this horror film had a capable cast to carry the story. Au contraire, the script was simply awful. I am not one to think ahead in a movie but within a very short time I already had guessed the surprise. Secondly, what is up with Paul Giamatti? Doesn’t he get tired of doing a film where he plays the same loud, yelling professional person over and over? I was bored through most of this picture. The idea was interesting and some of the fight scenes were well choreographed; but this was not enough for me. The execution process was dull; I am referring to the directing, the acting and the beyond predictable script. This may have been a good idea but there is nothing that could have fixed this stinker. There were scenes with blood and violence in them.
1 ½ stars
Flash Movie Review: Nine Lives
For endless hours of entertainment there is nothing like watching a newborn baby. Their facial expressions, the laugh they emit when you play “Peek-a-Boo” with them, the soft pudgy limbs; babies can ease pretty much any person’s mind of stress. In my yoga classes I tell new members that we were born with incredible flexibility. All they need to do to be reminded of it is to watch a baby move. As we grow and take on life’s challenges some of our flexibility may diminish; hopefully in class we can get re-introduced to that flexibility once again. Babies are not the only source of joyfulness or inspiration; there are many animals that at birth provide unlimited fun moments. The obvious ones would be puppies and kittens. Who doesn’t stop to look at a puppy or kitten playing? I believe I have mentioned I have a neighbor who fosters kittens and every day I get a show of them scampering and playing around their room. It was especially amusing to me the day I saw one kitten standing up and leaning on the closed door as another kitten was standing on them, as if they were forming a kitten pyramid up to the door handle. Just seeing the amount of cat and dog videos on my social media sites, I know I am not the only one who loves watching animals. This same neighbor has a food blog and when I asked her how she got so many followers to her site, she said all she had to do was post pictures of cats. Every time she posted a picture of one of the cats and kittens she was fostering, she would get new followers. Maybe that is why this comedy fantasy started out by showing cat videos. SUCCESSFUL businessman Tom Brand, played by Kevin Spacey (Elvis & Nixon, House of Cards-TV), was on the verge of his company’s latest achievement coming to fruition; the completion of North America’s tallest building. Pre-occupied with so much going on, Tom gave little thought to his daughter’s birthday request when he chose Mr. Fuzzypants from Felix Perkins, played by Christopher Walken (The Family Fang, Stand Up Guys), the odd proprietor of the pet store. This family film’s selling point was the cat. On a visual level, it was enjoyable watching the cat or the CGI cat doing the physical activities required for this story. However, the script not only did not help the cat; it did no favors for fellow cast members Jennifer Garner (Danny Collins, Dallas Buyers Club) as Lara Brand and Cheryl Hines (The Ugly Truth, Curb Your Enthusiasm-TV) as Madison Camden. The characters were more like cartoon ones than actual humans. As for Jennifer and her role, I really think she needs to do something different. The past few films she has been in she essentially is doing the same thing repeatedly. The story was predictable and one dimensional; there was little I found funny and for the most part I felt I was watching video clips taken from other movies. Actually more like videos that went viral. Maybe the film studio should have instead stayed with the cat videos for 90 minutes.
1 ½ stars
Flash Movie Review: Independence Day: Resurgence
A minute to me is just as important as an hour. For someone who prefers to have the day planned out, each minute has a place in my schedule. I have a friend who teases me about my planning things down to the minute but they do not understand what one minute can do to me. If I do not cross a set of railroad tracks by a certain time on Saturday morning, I will get stuck at the crossing gates for a good 10 minutes. Then I have to hustle to the fitness center to get to my class in time. Missing the start of a movie by 1 minute means I will not go in to watch it; I have a thing about walking into a movie late, which is why I know how many minutes each movie theater spends showing trailers before the start of the film. I suppose if one is okay or fond of surprises time is not a major factor; I am not a fan of surprises. With my current schedule I have little room for variance; in fact, I even have to plan down time for myself. To keep this whole process going I have to include some expectations. For example, I have to estimate how long grocery shopping will take me if it is one in a series of things I have to accomplish for the day. It is funny, it just occurred to me though I plan out what order I go see newly released movies I never think about my reaction to them. You know, allowing time to let them settle into me before going to do something else. Having just told you I am a planner, there was no way I could have planned what I experienced in this action adventure sequel. TWENTY years since the aliens attacked Earth and mankind has been working diligently on boosting its defenses in case of another attack. Would it be enough to save the planet if the aliens come back? This science fiction film baffled me. As I sat in the theater, repeatedly looking at my watch, I had to wonder who at the movie studio came up with the idea of making a sequel and then making a really bad one. First, one would have thought with the advancements in CGI effects this film would be filled with some dazzling effects; I am afraid that was not the case. Now for the script, it was so cheesy and filled with such repetitive blustering bravado that I felt I was watching a series of ads encouraging me to join the military. Uttering some of the ridiculous dialog were actors Liam Hemsworth (The Hunger Games franchise, Paranoia) as Jake Morrison, Jeff Goldblum (Jurassic Park franchise, The Grand Budapest Hotel) as David Levinson and Bill Pullman (The Equalizer, While You were Sleeping) as President Whitmore. There were multiple story lines taking place in the script and I did not find any of them well developed; everything was done in a basic, predictable way. The only thing I could think about after the movie ended was changing the word insurgence to regurgitate for the title.
1 ½ stars
Flash Movie Review: Mother’s Day
Mothers always had the right answers and could do anything is what I believed. My first introduction to the possibility this was not true was the evil stepmother from the animated movie Cinderella. At the time I did not know there was a wide assortment of different types of mothers in the world. As I grew up I met mothers who always had home baked cookies and cakes in their house; I cannot lie they were my favorites. There was one mother who talked funny and slept a lot. It was not until later I learned about drunkenness. In my adult life I have heard many stories about people’s mothers, some great and others awful. One individual told me their mother used to hit them with any inanimate object within her grasp, from an ashtray to a landline phone. From the variety of tales I learned not every woman is cut out to be a mother. I know I have mentioned in the past the story about a friend who was on a jury for a case about a woman who killed her son. As you can see I have had the fortune and misfortune of learning about many different people in the mother role. But I do not want this part of the review to be a downer so let me just say mothers are special. I do not know the history of how we wound up picking one day to celebrate our mothers. One day is not enough in my opinion; I am familiar with some amazing mothers. I just wonder what type of relationship the writers and director of this movie had with their mothers. JUST in time for Mother’s Day this comedic drama had several story lines that all had to do with mothers. Starring Jennifer Aniston (We’re the Millers, Cake) as Sandy, Kate Hudson (The Reluctant Fundamentalist, Something Borrowed) as Jesse, Julia Roberts (The Normal Heart-TV movie; Mirror, Mirror) as Miranda and Jason Sudeikis (Sleeping with Other People, Horrible Bosses franchise) as Bradley; each of the stories were plausible. The issue with this film is that it not only does nothing new with the idea but it used racist and prejudicial comments to tell it. I felt like this movie was just slapped together using the same formula the director Gary Marshall (Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Eve) had used before. Also, I found the humor dated so I did not find much that amused me. Now this does not mean there wasn’t anything good about this picture; there were a couple of individual stories I wished the writers would have expanded on. But since they didn’t I was bored a majority of the time. I cannot imagine anyone paying full price for this mess of a movie. It makes more sense to me to wait for cable or a DVD rental if you really want to see this picture. If this film was a present for the writers’ and director’s mothers then all I can say is therapy would have helped them deal with their issues.
1 ½ stars
Flash Movie Review: Hardcore Henry
From the era where the video game Pong appeared to current times, video games have technically advanced by light years. I like most kids my age was swept up into this new form of entertainment, acquiring and trading game cartridges that my friends and I would play on our television screens. My favorite types of games were either based in science fiction or brain teasers. I was always excited to get a new space type of game where I would have to defend earth from hostile alien beings. With these types of games I did not have a problem shooting a ray gun or a cannon blaster. However, if a game used realistic guns in a real type of setting I was not a fan of the game. I did not care to pretend I was shooting humans in a war or criminal setting. As a little boy I loved playing with toy soldiers in battles; but as an adult I had no desire to put myself in a realistic fighting scenario. Now here is an interesting thought: do you think there is any correlation between violent video games and an increase in actual violence among us? It is not something I have actually thought about much until I saw this action movie. I have to tell you I always thought the more violence a person is exposed to the more numb they become to it. Even at the health clubs I chose not to teach any type of combat classes due to my beliefs. I wonder if this is why I felt I was not best suited to watch this adventure science fiction film. WAKING from unconsciousness with no memories, to a strange woman telling him she knows him, Henry had to quickly decide if he should believe her when she was kidnapped. This film festival winner had a unique idea by filming the entire picture through Henry’s eyes. This meant there was a lot of shaky and quick jerky looking scenes. By a lot I mean every scene. With a cast that included Sharito Copley (District 9, Chappie) as Jimmy, Danila Kozlovsky (Vampire Academy, The Spy) as Akan and Tim Roth (The Incredible Hulk, Reservoir Dogs) as Henry’s father; I cannot honestly say I enjoyed the acting because there really was no story. The little story there was made no sense to me. This entire film simply was a video game on a big screen, but none of the viewers could play it. I give the movie studio credit for trying such a novel approach to filming; however, sitting in my seat watching shooting and violence the entire time was extremely boring. Hopefully I am not stereotyping but the small predominantly male crowd sitting in the theater appeared to be gamers. If this is the future of both video games and movies I do not think I will be able to handle it. I would rather stick with those old games like Pong or Tetris.
1 1/2 stars
moviejoltz 